If you’ve ever wondered what you should or what you should not say to a grieving person, you’re not alone. Sometimes our best intentions go awry, meaning that we mean to comfort or console someone who is grieving, but instead we say something that makes them feel worse.
Things to Not Say to a Grieving Person
Because every situation is unique, what to say or not to say to a grieving person should be based on a variety of factors.
Think about how well you know them (do you work in the same department, or have you been best friends since sixth grade?), how well you knew the deceased, and what your relationship is now. A best friend who was at the hospital when a loved one died can speak to a grieving person in a way that a co-worker cannot.
But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t general guidelines for what to say or what not to say to a grieving person.
Don’t Say: I Know How You Feel
While your intentions are undoubtedly sincere, it’s simply untrue to say that you know how someone else feels when they lose a loved one. This isn’t because we don’t experience the same emotions when someone we love dies (sadness, anger, desperation, etc). It’s because every relationship is different. Even if you’ve experienced the loss of a parent, for example, the way that your best friend experiences the loss of their parent is different.
Saying I know how you feel generalizes their experience. Instead, say I can only imagine how you’re feeling. This gives the grieving person space to talk about their feelings, if they want to do so, without putting assumptions around what’s a deeply personal experience.
Don’t Say How Are You?
Acting like everything is normal by using the same language we use when things are normal isn’t the right thing to do. And asking the question how are you? puts all the burden on the person grieving to explain themselves when they are likely not in a position to do so. It’s a perfect example of what not to say to a grieving person, no matter your intention.
Instead, consider acknowledging how difficult the situation is. You can do this by saying something like this is such a difficult time. You might even consider not offering words at all, but instead sitting with the person grieving to offer silent support. Or, if they are comfortable with it, give them a hug.
Don’t Say They’re In a Better Place
Offering this thought as a condolence presupposes that everyone shares the same religious or spiritual beliefs. It also diminishes the very real pain that a loved one feels when grieving the loss of someone important in their life. Some might even feel a tinge of guilt for grieving when they hear this platitude, because it insinuates that they should not grieve because their loved one is in that “better place.”
This can be tricky and nuanced, because of course the grieving person would never want their loved one to suffer. What matters is that you acknowledge their grief and pain without diminishing it in any way, whether intentional or perceived.
One way to do this is to simply acknowledge the grieving person’s feelings. Something like I’m sorry you’re suffering or I’m sorry this hurts can be all someone needs to hear to feel seen and supported.
Don’t Speculate About the Future
Saying something like you could always… is problematic. If a spouse dies, some well-meaning friends might say you can always remarry, eventually to indicate that life will, indeed, go on and there will be happy memories in the future. But the grieving friend might only hear that their spouse is replaceable. This can be hurtful to a grieving person.
Instead, give the grieving person space to talk about their loved one. Ask them to share a memory, or ask if it’s ok for you to share a memory. Memories can offer a bit of levity during a heavy, emotionally draining time and can help everyone grieving to celebrate the person who has died.
Don’t Say If You Need Anything, Call
The intention is absolutely good, but putting the onus on someone deep in grief can be an overwhelming burden. Saying call if you need anything puts the grieving person in the position of having to ask, over and over again, for help or support. This can be difficult for some and impossible for others. While it’s certainly never the intention, it can also make the grieving person feel like a burden to friends and family.
Instead, consider doing things that you know need to be done. If, for example, the deceased was the one to clean the gutters every fall, go over and clean the gutters. If the deceased was a gardener and the spouse is not, gather a group together to tend the garden.
Or, you can opt for easier tasks. If you know that the person grieving needs space and solitude, leave a meal and a note outside the door. Text to say it’s there, so the person grieving knows, but don’t stand on the doorstep expecting to be let in.
Alternately, if it’s healthier for that person to get out of the house, make sure you help them do that. Make the reservations or pick the movie or decide where you’re going. Treating someone to time together without asking them to make too many decisions can be a lovely way to support them as they grieve.
Don’t Say Be Strong
Grieving is a personal and complicated process. Telling someone to be strong might seem like it’s supportive and thoughtful, but what it really does is remind the grieving person that vulnerability makes others uncomfortable, and they should avoid it if possible.
It’s not a good idea to tell anyone how they feel at all, especially when they’re grieving the loss of someone they loved. Instead, you might try saying what you’re feeling is valid. You can do this in person, or by sending condolences. No matter the medium, remember that how your words or actions make someone feel matter more than your intentions, especially when considering what not to say to a grieving person.
What’s important to remember is that while you can offer support for someone who is grieving, you cannot fix what’s hurting them, nor can you rationalize a loved one’s death. But if you focus on being supportive, being genuine, and acknowledging the loss the grieving person has experienced, you can help comfort during a truly devastating time.
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